Thursday, 26 May 2011

Birdman Of Dorking Dies On Maiden Flight

Human bird Bob Pomfroy is dead!  

He took-off from the summit of Box Hill at 8.15a.m today.  But his body was discovered an hour later.  In light undergrowth beside the A25, midway between Dorking and Guildford. 

Locally born and bred, 56 year old  Pomfroy made headlines in January, when he had 10,000 bird feathers implanted into his skin. 

"At Bob's request, I turned him into the world's first flying ostrich", explained consultant surgeon Professor Arthur Mouton-Birdbath.

Pomfroy, a local ferret breeder and authority on suburban pigeons, believed humans would be capable of sustained flight, if only they had feathers. 

"He spent fifteen years studying dead starlings at our dining-room table", wept his distraught wife Marlene.  

"Calculating what he called 'the precise mechanics of flight'.    In the end he claimed he knew exactly how many feathers per square inch he would need".

"By Christmas there was nothing Bob didn't know about being a bird", she said.

"So we decided to go ahead with the operation.  

"As I told Professor Birdbath.  To most people my husband is a boring ferret breeder.  Now make him the kind of man everyone will look up to".

Thousands turned out to see Bob Pomfroy take to the sky.

"We were standing two hundred feet below.  Ready to rush him straight to hospital", said elderly paramedic Ted Warnock.

"The moment the band started playing the Dam Busters march, we started the motor in the ambulance.  As Mr Pomfroy prepared for take-off, we had six of us waiting with an outstretched blanket.   And a stretcher in case we missed him."

The great moment had arrived. 

Pomfroy slowly squatted down, bending his knees.  Eyes wide open and looking straight ahead, he took a deep breath. 

Then with both arms flapping wildly, he leapt off the edge and out  into the freedom of the open sky.

To the amazement of everyone, ghoulishly gathered to witness a twerp plunge to his certain death, the local ambulance service turned out to be surplus to requirements.

"He went off like a startled crow", said disappointed bystander Reg Pillock.   "Straight as an arrow and higher and higher in the sky.   Until he vanished into a passing cloud".

"Nobody clapped.  We just stood there with our mouths wide open.  Struck dumb.  Gobsmacked by the sight of a middle aged man flying  into the distance. With a smile on his face  Like he was some kind of  bird without a care in the entire bloody world".

Forty five minutes later, pig-breeder Len Normington was carefully driving his massive 68 ton lorry along the A25, midway between Dorking and Guildford.

"I was heading to market.  Peacefully finishing me ham and cheddar sandwich with mustard and pickle".  

"When suddenly I saw this crazy ostrich heading in my direction", explained shocked Normington ten minutes later.

"I ask you!  A bloody great ostrich". 

"Diving straight down towards me".

"Slap into me windscreen".

"Stupid bloody bird". 

"Never stood a chance".

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