Hollywood rolled back the years today as the great Humphrey Bogart kicked the lid off his coffin, lit a cigarette and strolled along to Lot 1 in the MGM Studios to begin work.
Quentin Tarantino was already slumped in his Director's Chair screaming at a terrified young actor.
"This is a fucking sauce commercial you dick brained twerp of a one-legged halfwit moose", he screamed encouragingly.
"All you gotta do is look at the girl as if you're gonna fill her with sperm. Put our client's food in yer useless mouth. Bite on it .. let the juice run out .. and then whisper the line with every ounce of meaningful passion you've got in you..
"Say Sister The Sauce On This Sausage Sandwich Is Simply Sensational"
"It's that FUCKING easy", he screeched.
Bogie leaned against the doorway, stifled a grin, lit another cigarette and watched.
"Rollin", called out the film cameraman.
"OK. Action", shouted Tarantino.
Actor looks at girl with best meaningful look. Then bites sandwich.
"Say Sister The Sauce On This Sausage Sandwich Is Simply Sensational"
Tarantino: Cut.
Actor: Was that better boss?
Tarantino: Out you fuckwit! Get out of my fuckin studio before I fuckin get a loaded pistol and blow the fuckin air out yer fuckin empty brain and up through yer fuckin arsehole.
The actor leaves in tears. Never to work again.
After a pause, a vaguely familiar voice from the doorway
Bogart: Mind if I have a go?
Tarantino: Who the fuck d'yer think you are? Humphrey fuckin Bogart?
Bogart: Maybe.
Tarantino: Bright guy eh? Done any acting?
Bogart: Bit. Not a lot. Few movies.
Tarantino: Such as?
Bogart: I don't know. African Queen.
Tarantino: What's that? Gay porn with black dick movie?
Bogart: Maltese Falcon.
Tarantino: Natural history crap don't count.
Bogart: The Big Sleep.
Tarantino: Yeah dickhead. That's what yer doin to me. Makin my eyes feel heavy.
Bogart: OK! How about Casablanca?
Tarantino: Of all the fuckin' gin joints in all the towns in all the world, he walks into mine.
Bogart: What?
Tarantino: Don't come the crap with me dickhead! Next thing you'll be askin' me to play it again.
Bogart: Why not?
Tarantino: I'll tell yer why not. Cos I don't remember the lines. That's why not!
Bogart: You did it fer her you can do it fer me!
Tarantino: OK Wise guy! Get yer arse down here and read the commercial.
Bogie strolls down onto the set. Lights a cigarette. Looks hard into the girls eyes. Her lips begin to part. Tiny beads of sensuous moisture appear as she slowly licks her bottom lip.
She smiles tantalisingly back at the great star standing before her. Already they could be in bed and she could be sucking something else.
He smiles back. Grinds out the cigarette on the floor. Then takes a bite of the sandwich. The scene is rich with levels of sexual tension not seen on screen since 1941.
Brown juice trickles out of Bogie's mouth and down onto his chin.
Bogart: Shay Shishter The Shaush On Thish Shaushage Shandwich Ish Shimply Shenshashional.
SILENCE
CUT
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