This is the story of a marriage. As revealed through the separate correspondence of a loving husband and wife.
Brenda Stoat has a ten-a-day letter writing habit and can usually be found sitting at her dining room table in 37 Acacia Drive Dorking complaining about something or other.
Meanwhile, upstairs in the back bedroom, her husband Ronald is doing exactly the same on his laptop:-
Sir,
I am moved to complain most seriously about your vile monthly periodical 'The Complete Spanker' delivered to this household in error today via brown envelope. Imagine my shock to discover a private snap of myself, taken 30 years ago, included in the disgusting article you call 'Readers' Wives'. My only consolation is that I no longer resemble that innocent young woman in the bathtub. You should pray my dearest husband never finds out about this outrage.
Yours angrily
Brenda Stoat (Mrs)
Dear Lord Big Balls,
Let me congratulate you on your excellent ancient history feature 'Readers' Wives'. And thank you for including my modest contribution. I am in receipt of your cheque for £50.00 and look forward to next month's powerful modern history feature. I feel the 'Complete Spanker' provides a valuable service to our quiet suburban community.
Sincerely,
Ron Stoat (62)
Dear Mrs Pomfroy
Please find enclosed our cheque for £25 as deposit for a two week stay on your caravan site in the isolated woodlands of Flenwynthllgollen in North Wales. This is the sort of holiday my husband and I look forward to. Total peace and quiet with just ourselves for company. Perfect bliss! We shall arrive on Tuesday fortnight.
Yours gratefully
Mrs Brenda Stoat
Dear Sir,
With reference to your advertisement for striptease artists in 'Totally Thai Tits'. I am a 62 year old retired decorator (references available) and active supporter of local wildlife. That said, I am currently seeking a new challenge and wonder if you have openings for experienced Wardrobe Staff in Bangkok. I am a single gentleman, prepared to relocate immediately.
Sincerely,
Ron Stoat
Dear Sir,
May I draw your attention to the recent epidemic of sex offences in the Dorking area. I believe this has much to do with the so-called clothing commonly worn by young women locally. When will they realise that drawing attention to themselves with items such as lipstick, visible brassiere straps and the occasional showing of flimsy undergarments, merely converts them into targets for inappropriate advances. Despite leading an active life in every respect, I have never been bothered by perverts.
Yours ever
Brenda Stoat (Mrs)
Dear Madam
May I politely ask if there are any vacancies within your underwear department. As you are surely aware, many women select their underwear with a gentleman in mind. So perhaps some customers would welcome the honest opinion of an experienced Lingerie Selection Consultant such as myself.
Yours respectably
Ronald P Stoat
Dear Sir
I write to complain about your recent marketing campaign which I deem aggressive beyond belief. What on earth made you imagine my husband Ronald would be in the least interested in sampling three pairs of leather thongs from your new 'Naughty Lucy' range? I return them forthwith at your expense and trust you will learn your lesson.
Yours in exasperation
Brenda Stoat (Mrs)
Dear Sir
I wish to register a complaint about breast feeding facilities in the Dorking branch of your Supermarket chain. Why have you now confined these natural activities to your new Mother & Baby Suite? Frankly I miss the heartening sight of young mothers feeding their babies on the chairs on Aisle 9 (by the checkout tills). There's nothing rude about breast feeding in public.
Yours
Ron Stoat
Sir
I write to complain about your database. Why on earth do you presume to send your filthy periodical 'Totally Thai Tits' to number 37 Acacia Drive under cover of a plain brown envelope? Can't you understand there's nobody living here remotely interested in such vile pornography. Suppose my husband, Ronald, were to come across it! Kindly strike us off your list with immediate effect.
Yours
Brenda Stoat (Mrs)
Dear Sir,
I write to say how informative I found your article about Russian women seeking true love with men from the west. This is the sort of work our Ministry For Overseas Development should be doing. With reference to your list. May I draw your attention to 19 year old Oxana (blonde bombshell on page 96 column 5 second from the left). I believe we are ideally matched and would be obliged if you would forward her my full details, currently held on record.
Yours faithfully
Ron Stoat
Dear Doctor Mould
I write with bad news. Those pills you gave me have had little or no effect. My flushes have failed to subside. Even worse, the snakes I told you about are now appearing whenever I shut my eyes. Furthermore, I am starting to dream of telegraph poles and poplar trees. I can't take much more and am afraid I might eventually submit to the inevitable. Is it possible to increase the dose?
Yours gratefully
Mrs Brenda Stoat
Dear Sir,
What became of the leather thongs I ordered from your 'Naughty Lucy' range? Please forward them without further delay. On a separate issue, I too sympathise with the tribal people of the Andaman Islands. I found your article most informative. Particularly the photographs of naked females cleaning themselves in the river. The way extremely young girls mixed freely with older women was an astonishing revelation. Could we have lots more of this sort of thing.
Yours faithfully
Ron Stoat
Dear Father Brown
I'm sure my husband, Ronald, would be delighted to volunteer for bellringing lessons every Monday night until further notice. He'll be free to start next week.
Yours always
Mrs Brenda Stoat
Dear Mrs Lubbock
Please consider me for the vacant position of Female Shower Attendant at Dorking Swimming Baths. As an elderly married man of limited vision and no interest whatsoever in young ladies, I am an ideal candidate. I believe local girls would soon come to look upon me as a father figure. May I suggest I come for a trial session at 3.00 pm next Wednesday.
Yours sincerely
Ronald P Stoat Esq
Sir
I am not a complaining sort of person. But this time the Postage Department of your Company has gone too far. A junior clerk within your organisation still insists on sending a monthly copy of 'Private Wives' to this address. In spite of my 40 minute telephone conversation of 14-7-2011, when I assured the kind gentleman that my name was not Dora from Devon. Please now strike 37 Acacia Drive Dorking from the computer database of both Private Wives and 'Bosom Buddies'.
Yours
Brenda Stoat (Mrs)
Dear Headmistress
In respect of your advertisement for a Gym Instructor at St Mary's Convent School. I wonder if you would consider an all-rounder. I am an experienced Olympic Games coach who once prepared the Cambodian ladies indoor volleyball team. I also specialise in everything to do with the swimming pool. Particularly the breast stroke, in which my hands-on teaching methods have been recognised around the world. I'm confident your girls would soon appreciate having me around.
Yours faithfully
Ronald P Stoat
Dear Lord Big Balls
Following last month's outrage, why on earth have you sent me yet another edition of your vile periodical 'The Complete Spanker'? It is now on the fire together with your invoice. You are a despicable person and a disgrace to the House of Lords.
Yours etc
Brenda Stoat (Mrs)
Dear Big Don
Where is my copy of this month's issue of 'Private Wives'? My annual subscription of £52.99 was paid on June 1st as requested. Please check account of Dora From Devon and supply me ASAP with such back issues you neglected to send.
Yours in confidence
Ron Stoat
Dear Sir,
As Executive Producer of the Nine o'clock news, may I implore you to have a quiet word with every one of your female newscasters. Without exception nowadays, they find occasion to lean forward and expose the upper part of their chest. Whilst others have picked up the unseemly habit of continually crossing and uncrossing their legs, drawing attention to that most sensitive area of their anatomy. Things got so bad last night, I was forced to switch off and send my husband, Ronald, out to make tea!
Yours sincerely
Brenda Stoat (Mrs)
Dear TV Boss,
I wish to complain about newscaster Kate Silverton who does not answer my mail. As an employee of the BBC, I am prepared to accept she will never show me her breasts live on air. However, I have written to her privately on numerous occasions, enclosing a photograph of another woman's breasts which I believe to be similar in every respect. All I request is a simple yes or no answer that my theory is correct. Is that too much to ask?
Yours sincerely
Ron Stoat (62)
Dear Sir,
May I confirm that my husband, Ronald, and myself will be happy to attend your clinic next Wednesday at 11.00a.m to donate blood. Neither of us takes sugar with our tea and we are not fussy about biscuits. Two Shortbread or digestives will suffice.
Yours sincerely
Brenda Stoat (Mrs)
Dear Sir
Further to your advertisement in this week's Dorking Review, may I offer to donate sperm. I'll see you next Tuesday afternoon when you'll be welcome to as much as your nurse can get. Might I request Nurse Karen who I noticed when I checked you out. Or perhaps Sister Denise who looks to have a promising career within the local NHS.
Yours sincerely
Ron Stoat (62)
Dear Doctor Clackett,
I was planning to take my husband Ronald on a hill-walking holiday this autumn. Possibly in Yorkshire. Or maybe North Wales. However, he now tells me that you have strictly forbidden him to walk further than half a mile at a stretch. Furthermore, he now claims you have advised him to take a complete rest by himself on a beach somewhere in south east Asia. Might I ask you to arrange for a second opinion on all this.
Yours sincerely
Brenda Stoat (Mrs)
Dear Nature Lovers,
Further to your advertisement in this month's 'As Nature Intended', I wish to confirm that I'm keen to have a go. My wife and I haven't yet booked a holiday for this summer so we are definitely up for it. Brenda is an avid bird-watcher. Could you send her a list of what birds she might expect to see at your colony. In a separate brown envelope, could you send me photographic evidence of other sights I might expect to encounter. You know the sort of thing: pictures of your guests playing volleyball. Or leaning over a barbecue.
Yours sincerely
Ron Stoat (62)
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