Followers of Dorking's thriving Post-Modernist Art Society travelled to the Isle of Wight yesterday for their annual weekend get-together, writes JPR Laidlaw, Dorking Review's Deputy Chief Rugby Football Correspondent.
"Here we are once again on the dunes at Felchers Bottom", announced limestone sculptor and legendary Surrey Triangulist, Professor Roderick Chump-Parsnip, standing outside his own private tent.
"Greetings to all Dorking-based lovers of fine art, as we gather again to celebrate a weekend of the most innovative talent to be found anywhere throughout the Home Counties", he declared.
"Since my discovery of Dorking Triangulism in the 1970's, our Society continues to stand alone against the tidal wave of post-war neo-romanticism", he explained.
"Resisting those same forces of philistine artistic globalisation that have destroyed the soul of every British artist from William Hogarth to Damien Hurst".
"All art beyond Dorking is moribund. From Paris to Barcelona - from New York to Florence and from Shrewsbury to Leamington Spa", he declared.
"Remember that and you won't go far wrong".
"Children of Dorking. Immerse your brushes in the flow of divine inspiration. I hereby declare our 36th Annual Festival officially open!"
Several hours later, as the glorious sun began to dip below the horizon, I met up with Professor Chump-Parsnip for a gentle pre dinner wander amongst the artists, clustered in small groups around the surrounding dunes.
"Felchers Bottom is where it's at", he whispered as we began our stroll.
"Look about, if you wish to savour the intoxicating aroma of the English Channel. Blending with the rapier-like thrust of Dorking paint brushes wielded by the children of Apollo."
"Have you seen Vernon Harding's "Virgin & Child Of Godalming", he asked.
"Which one is Vernon Harding", I enquired.
"Surely you've heard of Vernon Harding", he replied sharply. "Runs the Kismet Oriental Grill in Mickleham. Couple of miles due north of Dorking town centre".
When I admitted I hadn't, the Professor launched into an interesting account that compared Pablo Picasso unfavourably to Harding.
"Harding's work is everything that Pablo's isn't", he revealed.
For one thing, Harding never uses blue".
"For another, Harding depicts the female breast, not as a geometric symbol but as a sacred farmyard animal. A fundamental breakthrough that would never have occurred to Picasso, a mere peasant from Malaga".
I then asked the Professor to explain the artistic significance behind his own decision to sculpture rock only whilst completely naked.
"What is naked", he replied. "What is the human form? Other than a stroke of the brush. Or the strike of a sharp chisel."
Lady Catherine Versey-Palmiston then approached, clutching a newly completed canvas.
"What do you think Professor"?
"Ah! Nude Nymph With Dragon & Child", he replied. "It has form. Yes. And it has shape. Depicting the triumphant beast at rest over the fecund damsel. With the child, a subtle symbol of lost virginity. I particularly like your Dadaist montage of Dorking town square in the background. And your sensuous portrayal of a roaring River Mole in full flood, harking back to the Industrial Revolution".
"It is a triumph", he declared.
"Thanks only to you", quivered Lady Catherine. Who seemed not the least aware that she too was stark naked.
Later we walked across the dunes to pay courtesy visits on other leading artists.
Gabriella Fonsdyke and Brigitta Knatchbull from Brocketts Farm on the A246 near Polesden Lacey were roasting a brace of mallard by moonlight. Simultaneously, they were dropping ripe apples onto a pool of brilliant white emulsion.
"We are the niece of Henri Matisse", they chanted in unison.
"An erotic masterpiece on a theme of Sapphic resurrection", whispered Professor Chump-Parsnip as the two ladies continued their work. Oblivious to the gold oil paint smeared across their naked breasts.
"It's going to be "Venus & Diana In Paradise Beside Camilla's Organic Grocery shop in Leatherhead", he revealed as we crept away.
Tarquin Bickersdyke from Cathcart Road, West Horsley in Surrey is a distant cousin of Paul Gauguin.
"I've been following the Dorking School since I fell out with the Pre-Modiglianis", he said as he mixed us a Pimms.
"You won't find another Movement like this anywhere".
"It's as if Leonardo da Vinci had met Banksy in Epsom and they'd moved into a Guildford squat with Velazquez and Tracey Emin".
"Right now, Dorking is the epicentre of World Art", he declared.
And on that bombshell I left for a quiet pint at the Mason's Arms.
"Here we are once again on the dunes at Felchers Bottom", announced limestone sculptor and legendary Surrey Triangulist, Professor Roderick Chump-Parsnip, standing outside his own private tent.
"Greetings to all Dorking-based lovers of fine art, as we gather again to celebrate a weekend of the most innovative talent to be found anywhere throughout the Home Counties", he declared.
"Since my discovery of Dorking Triangulism in the 1970's, our Society continues to stand alone against the tidal wave of post-war neo-romanticism", he explained.
"Resisting those same forces of philistine artistic globalisation that have destroyed the soul of every British artist from William Hogarth to Damien Hurst".
"All art beyond Dorking is moribund. From Paris to Barcelona - from New York to Florence and from Shrewsbury to Leamington Spa", he declared.
"Remember that and you won't go far wrong".
"Children of Dorking. Immerse your brushes in the flow of divine inspiration. I hereby declare our 36th Annual Festival officially open!"
Several hours later, as the glorious sun began to dip below the horizon, I met up with Professor Chump-Parsnip for a gentle pre dinner wander amongst the artists, clustered in small groups around the surrounding dunes.
"Felchers Bottom is where it's at", he whispered as we began our stroll.
"Look about, if you wish to savour the intoxicating aroma of the English Channel. Blending with the rapier-like thrust of Dorking paint brushes wielded by the children of Apollo."
"Have you seen Vernon Harding's "Virgin & Child Of Godalming", he asked.
"Which one is Vernon Harding", I enquired.
"Surely you've heard of Vernon Harding", he replied sharply. "Runs the Kismet Oriental Grill in Mickleham. Couple of miles due north of Dorking town centre".
When I admitted I hadn't, the Professor launched into an interesting account that compared Pablo Picasso unfavourably to Harding.
"Harding's work is everything that Pablo's isn't", he revealed.
For one thing, Harding never uses blue".
"For another, Harding depicts the female breast, not as a geometric symbol but as a sacred farmyard animal. A fundamental breakthrough that would never have occurred to Picasso, a mere peasant from Malaga".
I then asked the Professor to explain the artistic significance behind his own decision to sculpture rock only whilst completely naked.
"What is naked", he replied. "What is the human form? Other than a stroke of the brush. Or the strike of a sharp chisel."
Lady Catherine Versey-Palmiston then approached, clutching a newly completed canvas.
"What do you think Professor"?
"Ah! Nude Nymph With Dragon & Child", he replied. "It has form. Yes. And it has shape. Depicting the triumphant beast at rest over the fecund damsel. With the child, a subtle symbol of lost virginity. I particularly like your Dadaist montage of Dorking town square in the background. And your sensuous portrayal of a roaring River Mole in full flood, harking back to the Industrial Revolution".
"It is a triumph", he declared.
"Thanks only to you", quivered Lady Catherine. Who seemed not the least aware that she too was stark naked.
Later we walked across the dunes to pay courtesy visits on other leading artists.
Gabriella Fonsdyke and Brigitta Knatchbull from Brocketts Farm on the A246 near Polesden Lacey were roasting a brace of mallard by moonlight. Simultaneously, they were dropping ripe apples onto a pool of brilliant white emulsion.
"We are the niece of Henri Matisse", they chanted in unison.
"An erotic masterpiece on a theme of Sapphic resurrection", whispered Professor Chump-Parsnip as the two ladies continued their work. Oblivious to the gold oil paint smeared across their naked breasts.
"It's going to be "Venus & Diana In Paradise Beside Camilla's Organic Grocery shop in Leatherhead", he revealed as we crept away.
Tarquin Bickersdyke from Cathcart Road, West Horsley in Surrey is a distant cousin of Paul Gauguin.
"I've been following the Dorking School since I fell out with the Pre-Modiglianis", he said as he mixed us a Pimms.
"You won't find another Movement like this anywhere".
"It's as if Leonardo da Vinci had met Banksy in Epsom and they'd moved into a Guildford squat with Velazquez and Tracey Emin".
"Right now, Dorking is the epicentre of World Art", he declared.
And on that bombshell I left for a quiet pint at the Mason's Arms.
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