Bernard Barnowl caused the world's longest traffic jam today when he put a lead on his pet Python, Monty, and took him for a walk down the A24 near Dorking.
Forty two foot reticulated python, Monty, is used to being taken for a constitutional along the lamp posts and woodland pathways on the verges of the A24.
"Daily walkies are a vital part of Monty's lifestyle", explained 48 year old milkman Barnowl.
"He gets to stretch himself out, eat the odd lamb or hedgehog, have a sniff round the undergrowth and crucially mark-out his territory. Pythons are very much like dogs you know".
Things went wrong this morning when Barnowl decided to escort Monty across the road.
"I waited for a long gap in the traffic, then led him across the A24", explained Barnowl.
"I'd just reached the other side, when the stupid snake decided he wanted the loo".
"So I shouted at him. I told him straight. I said look here Monty, your head is one side of the A24 and your tail's on the other. This is neither the time nor place to go poo poo".
"Would he listen. No way. He just looked up like I was a complete idiot - and began the lengthy process of doing his number twos.
Pythons are like that you know, obstinate buggers".
Thankfully the first vehicles to approach the scene were paying attention.
"As I looked ahead I immediately noticed there was a big python stretched across the road having a crap", revealed 53 year old delivery driver Ron Huggett. "So I pulled up and waited for it to finish".
District nurse, Minnie Hardacre, did exactly the same from the opposite direction.
"I know global warming's a problem. But I didn't expect pythons in Surrey quite so soon", she said.
Within an hour traffic was at a standstill all the way down to Worthing.
Whilst the nearby M25 was at a halt from Heathrow right across Surrey and Kent as far as the Dartford tunnel.
"It's the worst traffic jam in history", declared Chief Inspector Bob Ballard of Surrey police.
"Sixty five miles of cars and lorries all bumper to bumper".
Bloody pythons!
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